Are You Comfortable Being Self Deceived? | Conversations With The Browns
Part 3 in a 3-part series about the book leadership & self-deception
Special guests, friends, and sponsors, John Scott Sutherland and Shandel Sutherland, of Sutherland DDS, joined us for a discussion about the book Leadership & Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box by The Arbinger Institute. In this last part of our conversation, we focus on the 4 different boxes we can be in.
The box is a scary place to be. When we are in the box towards someone we are the one who misbehaves. We make the other person out to be worse than they really are. We look for evidence that backs up the story we are telling ourselves. We must create evidence in order to remain in our self-deception. It’s scary because as hate rises, we know we are not treating people like humans and we do it anyway.
The 4 boxes of self-deception
The 4 boxes of self-deception are:
The Better Than Box: Thinking you are better than others.
The I Deserve Box: Thinking you deserve certain things.
The Must Be Seen As Box: Thinking that you must be seen a certain way or as a certain kind of person.
The Worse Than Box: Thinking that your own problems are worse than anyone else’s, so this is why you can treat people a certain way.
You can operate in or out of the box. If you operate inside the box, then you see everything as a problem that someone else created. If you operate outside the box, then you will treat people as humans.
For example, you could operate in The Must Be Seen As Box and you need to be seen as helpful. If you operate within that box, then other people need to be helped. Those other people become an object to be helped whether they want to be helped or not. Inside that box, those people better appreciate you helping them. If they don’t appreciate your help, then they must have a problem.
That’s an easy story to tell yourself because you can explain that you are trying to help and they are just being ungrateful. They become a villain to you. You could get a lot of people on board with you because you were being so helpful. Your bad behavior is covered up in nice behavior.
On the other hand, you can do the exact same thing outside of the box. You can be helpful without expectations and out of true kindness. In this case, you will want to help and you won’t need to be acknowledged or receive some kind of reward. Operating outside of the box means you need to have self-awareness. Why are you acting the way you do and what are your real motives?
How to interact with people outside of the box
Remember that you need to admit when you are in the box and you need to treat other people as human beings. If you have trouble getting out of the box when you interact with someone, try to think of someone else who you are out of the box with. This could be a family member or friend. Focus on the feeling you have with that person. Get into that state of mind when you interact with the person you are in the box with.
Getting outside the box with people also involves face-to-face conversations. You can have a “conversation” with your back towards other people. Internet conversations are like this. The internet makes it easy to blame other people and justify ourselves and where we stand. We can defend our box really well when we’re not looking at the other person.
It can take some time to reshape our thoughts about others. We must get to know people’s names and their stories. Ultimately, we want to remember that other people have value. As human beings, people are made in the image of God and they should be treated as image-bearers.
Final thoughts
First of all, read the book. It’s Leadership & Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box by The Arbinger Institute. We highly recommend it.
Next, think about the relationships you have with people. Are you in the box in some of those relationships? Get out of the box with people by building relationships with them. If you can’t build a relationship with someone you’re in the box with, then build relationships with the people who are friends with them. Try to understand the person you are in the box with. What is their story? Where are they coming from?
Lastly, remember that we shouldn’t be correcting anyone unless we have taken the time to communicate and teach. Communication and teaching happen when we have listened and learned about people and their world. We can listen and learn by building relationships. We build relationships when we are out of the box. You have no business correcting someone you are in the box with.
It has to start with seeing the other person as truly human.
Send us your questions and your thoughts. Let’s continue this conversation.
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Listen to Part 1 and Part 2 of our conversation with the Sutherlands about leadership and self-deception.
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Sponsor for the show: Sutherland DDS https://sutherlanddds.com/
