Is This Why We Point Fingers and Blame Others? | Conversations With The Browns

Part 2 in a 3-part series about the book leadership & self-deception

Special guests, friends, and sponsors, John Scott Sutherland and Shandel Sutherland, of Sutherland DDS, joined us for a discussion about the book Leadership & Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box by The Arbinger Institute. In Part 2 of our conversation, we talked more about what being in the box means and how to get out of it.

What does it mean to be in the box?

First, being in the box of self-deception means you have betrayed yourself. You don’t act in ways that you believe are appropriate or are in line with your values. When you are in the box, you don’t see another person’s humanity. Instead, you only see the wall of the box you’re in. Being inside the box keeps you emotionally disconnected from other people. 

Often, the people you are interacting with can tell when you are in the box. They can sense that you don’t really care about them. It sets the relationship up for future problems. It’s only when you are out of the box, that you face people as fellow human beings.  

You’re in the box. Now what?

You have to start with admitting that you are in the box. Once you identify that you’re in the box, you will start to understand how you got there and what to do to get out.  

It’s easy to get comfortable inside our boxes. The more words we speak, the more decorations we put into our box. If you say, “I’m never doing that,” or “That person is so bad,” it’s hard to get yourself out of that box. When the person you have criticized then does something good for you, you can’t let them out of the box, right? That would be betraying yourself twice. You will have betrayed your values and then betrayed your righteousness in being inside the box.  

A lot of hatred comes from people inside their boxes. Being in the box is really self-hatred pointed outward. We know we’re wrong, but we can’t get out of the box again. We have betrayed ourselves and now we hate ourselves for it. Of course, we can’t hate ourselves, so we hate other people instead. 

Self-justification and collusion

Self-justification and collusion go hand-in-hand. When we justify ourselves, we point fingers and blame others for our problems. We deceive ourselves with collusion in order to continue our self-justification. We invite people to behave badly so that we can justify our own bad behaviors. It’s pretty scary because the behavior we say that we dislike in the other person is the behavior we provoke in order to justify our negative view of that person. It is a form of self-deception that keeps us in the box.  

To justify being inside the box, you must continue having your problems with people. It’s drama 101 and if you don’t have the drama, you fabricate it. We easily see this with kids. They don’t want to take responsibility for their behavior, so they will come up with all kinds of excuses for it. Be honest. Do you only see this happen with kids and other people or do you do this as well? Do you need others to behave “badly” so that you can continue to behave badly? 

How to get out of the box

It takes hard work and conscious thinking to get out of the boxes we are in. It also takes humility. We must be willing to admit that we are wrong and no one wants to do that. It’s hard. It is much easier to point fingers and blame others for our problems.

The first thing you should do is ask yourself what you should do for this person. What can you do to treat this person as a fellow human being? As soon as your brain thinks of that humane response, then do it. Yes, you could yell at that person or hit that person. You could do that if they were only an object to you. Do what makes that person human to you. 

Showing humanity towards someone may look like speaking calmly to them. If you know the person well, it might be a gentle touch or hug. Talking to someone face-to-face, in a calm way, and with respect is a great way to show someone they are human to you and it gets you out of that box. Again, be willing to admit when you are wrong. Getting yourself out of the box calms a tense situation and brings on real conversation.  

What if you don’t think you’re in the box? 

Sometimes it can be hard to know that you’re in the box. Maybe you don’t hit and yell, but withdraw and go silent. Outwardly, it looks like the right thing to do, but withdrawing can be a way to get back at someone. The clue to knowing whether or not you’re in the box is to ask yourself if you are seeing another person as a problem or as a person.

Are you blaming someone for your problem? Are you justifying yourself and your actions? Are you making the other person more horrible than he or she really is or making yourself out to be more innocent than you really are? Do your thoughts about another person start with “always” or “never”? Are you holding your tongue because it is the kindest thing for this person or is it because you don’t think they are worth your words?

If you don’t want to be in the box, you have to identify with the person. Understand that even if they are exhibiting bad behavior, it is coming from somewhere. Find out what that person’s story is. What is going on below the surface? Where are they coming from? When you ask these questions, you start to see the other person as more complex than bad or good or right or wrong.  

When you realize that you don’t know the whole story, it helps you take a different path and walk away from the box.     

Send us your questions and your thoughts. Let’s continue this conversation.  

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Listen to Part 1 and Part 3 of our conversation with the Sutherlands about leadership and self-deception.

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Sponsor for the show: Sutherland DDS https://sutherlanddds.com/