Are You Deceiving Yourself? | Conversations With The Browns

Part 1 in a 3-part series about the book leadership & self-deception

Special guests, friends, and sponsors, John Scott Sutherland and Shandel Sutherland, of Sutherland DDS, joined us for a discussion about the book Leadership & Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box by The Arbinger Institute. In Part 1 of our conversation, we explain what self-deception is and talk about the many ways we deceive ourselves on a daily basis.

What is self-deception?

This book blew our minds and helped explain why we behave in some of the ways that we do. We think it’s useful for marriage, schools, businesses, and everyday life. It has the potential to answer much of the turmoil we face in our world today.

We were introduced to this book through Shandel and John. After having a great initial conversation about the book, we knew we had to read it. Shandel has taught the principals in this book over the past 10 years to organizations and teams. Even after so many years of reading the book and teaching it, she continues to find ways to apply the tools to her life. 

Self-deception is the action or practice of allowing oneself to believe that a false or unvalidated feeling, idea, or situation is true (dictionary.com). One of the ways this manifests itself is by not doing something we know we should do and then justifying our inaction to ourselves. When this occurs, we start to blame the people around us for the problems we perceive. It’s resisting the possibility that we are part of the problem.

For example, imagine you are sleeping and your baby starts to cry. Instead of getting up right away to pick up the baby, you wonder why the other parent in bed isn’t getting up. Maybe you nudge them a little. When they don’t respond, you start to think about how lazy he or she is. Pretty soon, you’re mad at them because they “never” get up to get the baby and you’re “always” doing it. This has really happened to us. 

Are you inside the box of self-deception?

These arguments you have with others inside your own head are like putting yourself inside a box. No one but you can know what is going on inside your head. Just because the other person doesn’t jump up to get the baby doesn’t mean they’re lazy or a bad person. Maybe they are a heavy sleeper and can’t even hear the baby. Isn’t it true that you can get up to take care of the baby too? A civil conversation at another time can help the situation improve.  

Self-deception causes us to work and live as if trapped inside a box. We don’t see the reality that is around us. (arbingerinstitute.com). It’s easy to identify the problems outside of ourselves. But can we get to real solutions if we always are outside the problem and we are pointing fingers at all the ways it should change? This book is empowering because you realize that you can’t change other people. You only have the power to change yourself. 

We are all human and have certain values. When you don’t honor the values you have in a situation, you instantly go into self-deception and it’s quick. The deception takes place as soon as you justify to yourself why you are or are not doing something. Immediately and without knowing, you have made the other person’s vices worse or your own virtues better. These made up vices or virtues are like an invisible wall of untruth that puts you in a box.

How self-deception objectifies others

You cannot believe something and behave differently. Once you’re in the box of self-deception, you make the other person an object. They lose their humanity to you. When they become an object, you can justify yourself and your actions. You can mistreat them. It is easy to belittle people, treat them poorly, and feel justified in doing it when they have lost their humanity. In the end, you don’t honor yourself and your values.

Giving the silent treatment is an example of self-deception. Think of times in your life when you weren’t outright aggressive, but turned silent instead. Did you feel justified in your silence and maybe that you were being kind in not saying something hurtful? Did it feel better to be silent? Did you feel a little self-righteous? 

We deceive ourselves and objectify others when we think ourselves more loving than others, that our actions or inactions are justified. You diminish another person when you aren’t willing to engage in conversation with them or when you don’t want to hear what they have to say. We are not loving when we don’t want to have a real and respectful conversation about the actual issues. 

We want to hear from you. Do you recognize the times you are deceiving yourself? Does it happen at home or at work? What are some ways you can get yourself out of the box of self-deception?  

Send us your questions and your thoughts. Let’s continue this conversation.  

Leave a comment or call/text our 24-hour feedback phone at 530-535-8121.

Listen to Part 2 and Part 3 of our conversation with the Sutherlands about leadership and self-deception.

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Sponsor for the show: Sutherland DDS https://sutherlanddds.com/