This Word May Change the Debate | Conversations With the browns

The power of subtle meaning or expression in conversations  

Conversations are rarely ever black and white. There are many shades of meaning and expression that come through when you have conversations. This is called nuance. Understanding the nuance of a conversation will help you to have better and more meaningful conversations.  

What is nuance and why is it important?

Nuance is the subtle difference in or shade of meaning, expression, or sound (dictionary.com). We use it often in our conversations. You probably don’t realize it. Paying attention to nuance helps you understand that even when two people are looking at the same thing, they each will have a different perspective. Those differing perspectives will shine through in their tone of voice, body language, and the words they use. Not paying attention to the nuance of a conversation can lead to misunderstandings and conflict.   

Nuance is important and we need to be aware of it. We need to encounter people that see the world differently than us. When we pay attention to nuance, we won’t assume that we see everything correctly and everyone else is wrong. When we enter into conversations, we carry our past, our experiences, and our current emotional state with us. This is okay and to be expected. We run into a problem when we forget that the other people in the conversation have also brought their pasts, their experiences, and their current emotional states.

In other words, we need to be open to seeing another side to the conversation. We need to pay attention to nuance. This doesn’t mean that we try to eliminate who we are. Instead, we need to become more aware of who we are, how we process, and how we have been shaped. When we know ourselves better, we are more present in a conversation and better able to articulate. We also realize that other people of goodwill may have experienced a situation differently than we have. When we forget to notice nuance, it’s easy to jump to conclusions about other people and what they are saying.

A single word can have a different context and mean something different to two people in a conversation. In her book, Becoming Us, Beth McCord shares a story about a couple arguing over their upcoming wedding. The woman is very concerned about having a good band for the wedding. The man can’t understand why the wedding music is so important to her. They argue and finally, the woman breaks into tears. It turns out that the woman wanted to be sure to have a nice wedding ring and she was not concerned about the music.

Body language and facial expressions add nuance to a conversation.

Paying attention to nuance in difficult conversations

The current system of conversing is set up so that it makes people choose a side. You are either on one side or the other. We think we need to approach conversations with a set agenda and not be swayed. This is especially obvious in politics.

There is currently a lot of debates and serious issues going on where nuance is being ignored. Of course, there needs to be honesty in these conversations. But we need to be willing to listen, discuss, ask questions, and agree to disagree if needed. All of this needs to be done with respect and respect seems to be in short supply right now.

Sarah Holland and Beth Silvers of the Pantsuit Politics podcast and authors of I Think You’re Wrong (But I’m Listening): A Guide to Grace-Filled Political Conversations have been making politics more understandable and enjoyable to discuss *gasp*.

Sarah & Beth are friends who are registered as opposing political parties. They approach their conversations with respect and openness to hear another side. They talk about taking off your team jersey before coming to a conversation. 

Like with sports, we often come to a conversation with our team jersey on, ready to win and fight for our side. Everyone loses if the conversation is a win or lose situation. We don’t have to approach real-life issues from a “my team” standpoint. Sometimes “my team” is wrong. Someone on the other team may have a better point of view. We can’t allow wearing our team jersey to cloud the truth.

We also can’t come to a conversation pretending we want to hear what someone else has to say. It’s condescending and disrespectful. Whether it’s politics, racism, or any other topic, in a real conversation nuance will show our true intentions. The problems we face today have been a lifetime in the making. We are looking for the magic pill for the problems we face, but there is no magic pill. We need solutions that are as nuanced as our actual lives are. Those solutions take time and real conversations. 

We want to hear from you. How does nuance play into your conversations? Do you make opportunities to have nuanced conversations or do you wait for conversations to be safe before speaking up?

Send us your questions and your thoughts. Let’s continue this conversation.   

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